Arthur Ashe Center: Where Aspiring Doctors Go To Ignore Their Dream

If you're like me, you go to UCLA.  If you're even more like me, then you fucking hate the time wasting "doctors" of the Arthur Ashe Center.

As a man living in a fraternity house, I'm exposed to alot of germs.  As a man living in the UCLA Phi Psi house, I'm living in borderline third world conditions (seriously my room didn't have electricity for over a month, while I leeched it off an extension cord from the room above me).   But enough of this dumbass repeating of sentences and back to the rant.

The student health care here rivals that of most shitty HMOs.  Sure its cheap, but in this case you truly get what you pay for.  Not only does the service here suck, but it takes forever to get nothing.  If I wanted to wait around all day for something that should only take 5 minutes I would go to the DMV.

California DMV Westwood Branch

Half of the time I go there, the doctors give me no tests and tell me that they can do nothing for me, but that I must just wait out my sickness, all while not looking me in the face but typing on a computer.  I spend a lot of time on facebook too, but fuck, seriously?!?!  And everytime, the doctor tells me "come back in a week if you don't improve."  Ya well guess what you bottom of your med-school class piece of shit, this is the third time I've come back in three weeks and I'm still pissing blood!

This may seem a bit harsh and a bit over exaggerated, but I shit you not.  Last week I went in with a throbbing headache, stiff neck, and coughing up disgusting shit among other things.  This after two visits, weeks apart mind you, of similar complaints.  When my "primary care physician," as they call it, walked in she said "Hello, my name is (Bitch).  I'm a practitioner here."

"Really?  I've seen you multiple times, in fact two weeks ago!  And really, you work here?  I thought you were another patient waiting in this 10x10 room wearing a white lab coat," I thought.  As she did the least amount of work she could, she looked in my mouth and ears about the same amount of time she looked me in the face, just a second or two less than the time she took to scratch her ass, which I'm pretty sure defeats the purpose of putting on latex gloves.  Her solution?  Have another person come in and wash my ears out.  Afterward, my doctor returned from wiping her ass with a copy of the Hippocratic Oath and asked if I felt any better...As if cleaning my ears out would have any effect on my congestion or overall feeling like I'm about to die.

Security camera photo from Arthur Ashe Center archives

Following the script I'm sure every doctor there is programed to say, she told me to come back in a week if I didn't improve...a normally expected suggestion from these people, except for the fact that they fucking close for the rest of winter break that Friday.  I left, as always, heated as fuck.

At least it's not all bad, they give you all the free toothpaste and condoms that you want.  Plus while waiting I can catch up on some of my favorite magazines like AARP: The Magazine and The Republic...seriously give me something I can at least act like I'm reading, while I look at the pictures, as I wait.

Pretty sure poking holes and connecting them defeats their purpose

Arthur Ashe Center, you fucking suck!

New Direction

It's been a while since the last post and I've decided to take on a new direction.  Since everyone gets enough sports bullshit on ESPN and everywhere else I've decided to open the topics up to everything.  Sorry to my readership, mom, but it had to be done.

In short, from now on I will write about anything and everything.  This means observations on things I like, which are few,  and comments on things that piss me off, which are many.  For example, one day I may write why bad ass movies rock and the next I will go off on why Justin Bieber, whoever the fuck that is, deserves to get that Beatles haircut cut off and shoved down his throat.

So fuck you Earth, its time for Larson's World!

Following last week's NFL Hall of Fame induction ceremony, the NFL has released the roster of the all star cartoon character football team. After months of deliberation, the league has selected the following as the starters on this historic team.

Offense

Quarterback

Boomhauer, King of the Hill

Led Arlen High to the Texas State Championship game.

His cadence is sure to mess with opposing defense's minds.

Wide Receivers

Captain Planet, Captain Planet

Has the elements on his side...Under thrown ball? WIND. Upcoming hole in the field? EARTH. Parched in the huddle? WATER. Quarterback cold, throwing nothing but incompletions? Fire. Down in the 4th quarter? HEART.
Best of all he is humble, always proclaiming "The power is yours!"


Goliath-Gargoyles

Able to "fly" past defenders

and is not afraid to take his hard as rock physique across the middle.

Halfback

(Outside) Cheetor, Beast Wars

Dude's got wheels...He's part cheetah.

(Inside) young Bill "The Billdozer" Dauterive, King of the Hill

Arlen High's co-career Touchdown leader earned his nickname.

Fullback

Earthworm Jim, Earthworm Jim
Who wouldn't want this guy blocking for him.
"Bring it on!"

Tight End

Brock Samson, Venture Bros

"Try to tackle me and you'll wear that helmet for the rest of your life...

NOT because you want to."

Offensive Line

Baloo, Tail Spin

Tough as a bear. Always delivers in the clutch.

Tito, Rocket Power

This Hawaiian import flips not only burgers, but also defenders onto their asses.

Eric Cartman, South Park

If his sheer size isn't enough to block he is sure to annoy or eat the defender.

Fat Albert, Fat Albert

Great pass blocker as defenders must run a quarter mile to get around him.

Heffer Wolfe, Rocko's Modern Life

Bowl open running lanes with a toughness like he was raised by wolves.

DEFENSE

Outside Linebackers

Bebop- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Rocksteady-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

That's just pretty badass.

Bebop provides his own shoulder pads and Rocksteady doesn't need them.

Middle Linebacker

Skeletor, Masters of the Universe

Likely if a player sees this face coming at him he will run the other way and take a safety,

but Skeletor will still beat the shit out of him.

Cornerbacks

Vince, Recess

Top prospect from Third Street Elementary School.

Also excels at kickball, basketball and making Miss Finster angry.

Quagmire, Family Guy

Good at quick jittery bursts of speed and always sticking whomever he is covering.

Last year the cleft in his chin recorded three interceptions.
"Giggity giggity giggity GO!"

Strong Safety

Larry the Lobster, SpongeBob SquarePants

Offenses fear his tough exterior.

Has been working out with water resistance to build strength.

Free Safety

Zapp Brannigan, Futurama
MVP of Superbowl MC

Defensive Line

Juggernaut, X-Men

Tip for offensive lineman lining up against him: Get out of the way bitch.

Pete, Goof Troop

Bred to annoy opposing lines.

Gladys the Hippo Lady, Rocko's Modern Life

One tough lady. Just make sure you don't try to clip her from behind.

"How dare you (try to stop me)."

Jorgen Von Strangle, Fairly Odd Parents

Brings the power and attitude needed up front on the defense. Just don't call him a fairy.

Special Teams

Placekicker

Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons

He can definitely kick ass.

Punter

Mom or Dad, Cow and Chicken

They must have strong legs, since that is all they have.

Mascot

2 Stupid Dogs, 2 Stupid Dogs

These guys can take on Uga,

but might have trouble against any team named the Wildcats.

Rival

Notre Dame

Not a drawing

Ball

Stewie Griffin from Family Guy and Arnold from Hey Arnold! are expected to split time at the position.

Presidential Race to go to Courts

Recently, Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama has been pushing to replace one of the upcoming presidential debates with a two on two basketball game, featuring teams of Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates facing off against each other.

Obama, who starred as a point guard in High School and led his team to win the Hawaii State championship, believes such a game would show the American voters that he has the leadership to not only lead a team on the court but also to lead a country.

Obama posed with his High School team as
John McCain simultaneously filed for social security.

Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain claims to not be familiar with this "new-age game" but nevertheless acknowledges that he must compete to show that he is not out of touch with the public.

"Is that the one with the round ball or the football-shaped ball?"

The prospect of the game does not seem to worry Obama much, as he continues to practice his already refined basketball skills. However, McCain feels that the outcome of the game could greatly effect the way voters will see him in the upcoming November election.

Desperately wanting to win the game, McCain has updated his list of possible Vice Presidential candidates to bolster his team's chance of winning. The Arizona Senator's short list of possible "running mates" includes Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash, former Chicago Bull Scotty Pippen, Grandmama from "Family Matters" and the Monstars from "Space Jam."

While each of these choices can "ball," problems could come from the potential candidates. The American public could have a problem with Steve Nash because he is Canadian. In addition, some skeptics question whether America is ready for its first female Vice President.

"I'm excited at the prospect of becoming the Second Lady."

Selecting Scotty Pippen could bring controversy to the McCain camp since he would have to split time between the White House and his other part time job as Osama Bin Laden.

Pippen would have to evaluate his priorities.

A positive of selecting Grandmama would be that McCain, in comparison, would seem younger and possibly attract a different breed of voters. However, at the same time, the presidential candidate might not like the idea of being 1/8th the size of his partner and face the prospect of accidentally getting their dentures mixed up.

She helped Urkle, but can she help McCain?

Finally, the Monstars bring a refreshingly different choice coming from another galaxy. McCain would even be willing to ignore his platform and employ the aliens. Once again though, a shady past of kidnapping the Looney Toons bogs down their appeal, but more importantly for McCain he does not want to be lumped in with a bunch of losers who lost to a team with Porky Pig and Bill Murray.

"Get that weak shit outa here."

Seriously...BILL MURRAY?

Whoever the two Presidential Candidates choose as their Vice President and teammate one thing is sure: this election will be decided the way the Founding Fathers had always hoped for. Not on the campaign trail, in the press or even in the voting booths. This one will be decided where it matters. On the blacktop.

Old Guy Dampens Packers Practice by Showing up and Pouting

Unbeknownst to most sports fans there is unrest amongst the Greenbay Packers NFL football team. Former Quaterback Brett Favre asked for and received reinstatement Sunday from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. No word yet on whether Favre's un-retirement will affect his subscription to AARP: The Magazine. Amid this historic reinstatement, rumors have been circulating that the Packers will be petitioning the league to allow Favre the use of a walker on the field deeming it "necessary equipment."

Favre initially announced his retirement at a teary press conference March 6th. Favre claimed that he wasn't crying, but had just finished cooking and eating his lunch of Liver and Onions.

"Damn, that shit was good."

Upon hearing the news of his reinstatement Favre immediately left the Bingo hall he had been calling home for the past couple of months and set his Tivo to record the I Love Lucy marathon he planned on watching. The Quarterback immediately got on the phone and has picked up endorsements from Polident, Depends, and Vitamins with Water.

Favre felt jet lagged even after he reportedly took a nap on the plane

This ruling puts Favre in the thick of the Packer Quarterback competition against Aaron Rodgers but forced him to pull out of another one. Favre was planning on running for Condo Board President at his new home at Del Boca Vista retirement community in Florida. His main competition was neighbor Jack Klompus who claimed he was "not surprised at that pretty boy."

"Sissy was afraid to go up against the champ."

The two neighbors were expected to go through years of paranoid hatred towards each other, but this is now in jeopardy.

Age enhanced photo of Favre and Klompus

Aaron Rodgers refused to comment.

"Either put the camera down and run a post or get out of here."

So that the offseason was not a total loss, the New York Jets, who were once rumored to have interest in acquiring Favre, shifted their focus towards another prospect. The Jets have devoted the remainder of their efforts to try to acquire wideout Elmo. Talks have stalled however, as he has recently received interest from the Chicago Bears and the NBA's Los Angeles Clippers for his reported "extreme dribbling skills." Elmo is expected to pick a team in the NFL and compete with Terrell Owens for most first person references of self during the season. Long time coach and confidant Grover reportedly feels "betrayed" as Elmo has signed with a separate agent. His new agent Snuffleupagus declined to comment.

"Elmo gonna wreck some defenses."

More Fallout from the Manny Ramirez Trade

Late reports from Cal Tech on Sunday evening indicate that the earthquake on Tuesday 7/29 was actually caused by anticipation of the Manny Ramirez trade. Geosciences Professor Richard Nibbler said in a statement that, "We have found that the earthquake, which was based in Chino Hills, began as a result of a Dodger fan reading a message board rumor that Mr. Ramirez would be coming to his favorite team." The fan, identified only as "Big Petey," began jubilantly jumping up and down at the prospect of Baseball actually meaning something in Los Angeles. "Big Petey" could not be reached to comment but sources say that he owns season tickets in the right outfield "all you can eat section" and has vowed to eat only Dodger dogs "showered in nacho cheese" until his beloved boys in blue win the pennant.

In related news, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is facing heat after Ramirez easily passed through airport security and was able to travel from Boston to his new home, Los Angeles, carrying a dog on his head undetected. The two security checkpoint officers who allowed Ramirez to pass through at Boston's Logan International Airport were dismissed on Saturday. When asked to turn in their uniforms the two refused, wanting to keep the shirts that Ramirez had autographed.

A swing and a miss, if only she played baseball

Ramirez himself could face Michael Vick-like charges of animal cruelty after Stacy McPhiefer, president of a Los Angeles based Animal Rights group, witnessed the dog escape from under the Slugger's hat and run around in left field during the fourth inning of the Dodgers 9-3 win on Sunday. McPhiefer said, "All I wanted to do was enjoy a baseball game with my son, try to catch a foul ball, and enjoy eating a couple Dodger Dogs. This disregard for animal's rights outrages me and frankly taints the sport. My group will make sure that Mr. Ramirez can no longer exhibit this cruelty. We will begin to crack down more on athletes who believe they are above the law. I plan on investigating how the Arizona Diamondbacks have been allowed to let a vulture pitch under the name Randy Johnson for years."

Ramirez's hair/dog escaped Sunday, surprising fans

A recently leaked photo of The Big Unit being held in his
locker room cage before a game is sure to bring problems to the Diamondbacks.